Sheep


September 29th, 2008, a Monday

I didn't sleep a wink last night.  At least it feels like I didn't.  When people say that, it is highly unlikely that they actually didn't sleep a single wink but I guess it is just an expression.  Anyway, when I woke up, I felt more tired than when I went to bed.  I'm no scientist, but I have theories, you know.  And here's one of them.

We are bombarded every day by thousands of thoughts that enter our brain.  Some of them stick around and are developed.  Those may be practical such as I really need to get those bills written and in the mail.  Then you actually write those bills and it reminds you that you can't afford to pay for what you spent last month and anxiety sets in and you begin to wonder how you are going to catch up.  You feel distressed.  Other thoughts may be triggered by a smell, a fleeting comment, a vague memory, or something you read.  These thoughts are not necessarily conscious but have the power to change your state of mind.  It feels confusing but you try to ignore it and go on with your day.  But it nags at you, not in a way you can deal with.  You just know it's there.  But guess what?  It comes out to play while you are sleeping, defenseless.  It is the stuff dreams are made of.  Bad dreams sometimes.

I believe that we can become more sensitive to the triggers and get to know the sensations that come with them.  If you want to and you are brave enough.  Some people would rather just skip it.  But if you do, that doesn't mean it goes away and pretty soon you have this collection of undealt with thoughts that take up residence inside you and gain momentum.  Trust me, this is not a good thing.  And it takes a lot of work to finally whack 'em and clean everything out.  So if you're just not sleeping well, you should have a look inside and see what's in there. 

On the other hand, if you are having wonderful thoughts, maybe because you are in love, or are surrounded by love, or feel really extra special good about yourself, then it fills you with a kind of protective coating that makes sleeping restful and peaceful. 

My trigger yesterday was a simple comment made to me that was not unkind in any way.  But it reminded me of the challenges I have had to deal with in my little life because my mother Babia, the Solar Queen, didn't take very good care of me.  She didn't cherish me and love me like a good mom should.  I have worked really hard to overcome my feelings of sadness over this.  The Dutchman helped me learn that the problem is with Babia, not with me.  I was lovable as a little bear, she was just unable to see it because of her own problems.  Maybe her mom didn't take good care of her either.  I think I have done a good job getting over it and learning to be happy but then there is that one little thing that can remind you of all the bad feelings.  So you have to go through the process, in a mechanical way, of reminding yourself of everything you have learned, of all the good in your life, and the great accomplishment of finding happiness and joy.  Even after all that, it may ruin your sleep. 

I hate to think of how badly Babia must have slept all these years.  And the bad dreams.  And the thousands of triggers that take her to bad places.  Maybe she doesn't even realize.  But the great thing about the human (and bear) spirit is that it is never too late.  Babia could still find me and say how sorry she is and hug me and make it all better.  Do you think she will?

GR