Nicky and Gina



August 8th, 2008, a Friday

Today the Olympics begin.  Well, actually they have already begun.  You can read all about the Opening Ceremonies on-line because they have already happened but you won't see them on TV til tonight.  The pictures look unbelievable and they say it cost $100 million for the show.  I have been really looking forward to it but right now all I can think about is Nicky. 

You may remember from Wednesday that Nicky has been summoned by his former monkery to return to the religious life in the Santa Monica hills.  At first I didn't take it too seriously, foolishly assuming he would never leave me to go back to all that.  But he is considering it.  In fact, he is thinking about going back for a visit to continue to contemplate where he really belongs.  Do you believe that?

Don't get me wrong.  I adore Nicky but I guess I may have thought that he adored me more than he really does.  Isn't love supposed to conquer all?  Isn't it supposed to fulfill all our needs?  I know I am a handful.  High maintenance.  I know I can be cocky, and princessy, and self centered and absolutely certain that everyone is interested in absolutely everything I have to say.  But how could he leave me?  Even think about leaving me?

Wait a minute.  Just rereading that last paragraph, you can see that obviously all I care about is myself.  What about Nicky's needs?  Have I ever stopped to think about what I could do for him rather than worrying about myself all the time?  I have taken that wonderful bear for granted, I'm afraid, criticizing him for being kinda frumpy and quiet and not recognizing him for who he really is.  I assumed he would always be there no matter what.  I would say that he is just manipulating the situation to teach me a lesson, but my Nicky isn't even capable of such a thing.  He is too honest and unselfish and grounded for such nonsense.  He's a monk, for God's sake!

To be honest, I thought I would just keep him around until a flashier, younger, handsomer, more romantic guy would come and sweep me off my feet.  But now I'm thinking.....what is more romantic than a guy who knows you for exactly who you are, warts and all?  What is more valuable than a guy who quietly lets you fly out into the world and is always there for you when you come crashing back, full of disappointment and pain?  What is better than a guy who not only allows, but encourages you to fully realize yourself and will still love you no matter what you do because he knows who you are all the way to your heart?  He also knows that sometimes you act like someone you're not.  And he understands and accepts that without judging you. 

But I have judged him sometimes.  You know, for his little pot belly.  For not wanting to go out and explore the world and instead being happy to stay home quietly and meditate and pray and contemplate things.  I have tried to work so many things out in my blog, ask so many questions about puzzling things in life, and not once did I ask Nicky to help me understand.  That's messed up.  No wonder he is thinking about leaving.  I just wanted to do everything myself without even considering his value.

How can I tell him that?  It would sound like I was just manipulating the situation to get him to stay but in my case, it would probably be true.  I can't just transform completely overnight to being less self-centered and more aware of his feelings.  Can I?  Maybe he knows that if he leaves for a while, I will have some contemplating of my own to do.  And he would be right. 

It's best to figure these things out before you are about to lose them.  I have only myself to blame.  Maybe I am underestimating Nicky.  Maybe he loves me enough to stay and have faith in me.  I should have had a lot more faith in him.

GR