In Search of Nirvana


August 1st, 2008, a Friday

It is a perfect morning to think about disappointment and trust.  Don't you think? 

Disappointment is a source of "psychological stress".  (I guess I already knew that.)  It is defined as a feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest.  To me that sounds like a space capsule that failed to lift off after the great anticipation of the countdown.  (OK, yeah, that would be disappointing to everyone who worked on it.)   Trust is a "relationship of reliance".  The rest of what I read about trust seems absolutely silly to repeat.  Actually, this leads me to another subject entirely.

A Harvard brain scientist, at 37 years old, had a massive stroke.  She knew so much about brains, and even how her own worked as she soared through a brilliant career, that she understood everything that was happening to her as each function of her left brain shut down over the first few hours.  She was really scared though but much more aware than any of us would have been.  Her book explains more about how brains work than I ever wanted to know but that is her point.  We all have two sides to our brain, the more disciplined and rational math and science left side as opposed to the creative and intuitive right brain.  In a healthy brain, they work together in balance although we tend to gradually become dominant in one or the other as we grow.  She had been left brain fact and figure dominant but as her left brain failed, she had to rely solely on her right brain which stepped up to take over.  In her new right brain only state, she felt peace and joy and unity with the universe.  Because she had lost the left brain ability to see people and objects as having boundaries, she felt liquid, like she was melting into space, feeling a part of something much bigger than her small earthly life.  She thought it was probably similar to those Buddhist monks who reached a nirvana state through meditation.  From the left brain perspective of meditation, it would mean they had mastered the art of completley shutting down their left brain to enjoy the same right brain euphoria she was experiencing.  She liked this feeling so much that she wasn't sure she wanted to return to the stressful challenges of left brain living.  Me, I'm a right brain dominant bear.  I love to feel and float and write and observe people and think about things.  I guess that is why it drives me crazy for people to use so many left brain words to describe such a right brain concept as trust.  It's like trying to stuff a square peg into a round hole.  It's also why I don't want left brain analysis of why I feel things instead of analyze things.  That takes a lot of joy out of the magic of just feeling.

Anyway, back to disappointment.  How we deal with disappointment seems to say a lot about us.  Depressed people have trouble letting go of disappointment.  Upbeat people take it in stride and move on to the next potential disappointment.  (That sounded kind of depressing, didn't it?)  When your team loses the big game (which happens to us here in Phoenix on a regular basis), some pout over what may have been and can't bear to watch the winner go on to the next round or hold the trophy.  Others just say, well, it's only a game and we'll get 'em next time.  What about bigger disappointments?  I read something about a new study on loss.  Some people can't adjust to the loss of a loved one and stay sad.  Others, called copers, just go about their daily living and move forward.  Some people have faith that the disapointment was meant to be, was part of God's plan, and we should believe that while waiting patiently to figure out why it was better for us to lose our biggest contract, miss making the Olympic team by 1/100th of a second, or get dumped by the guy we thought we were going to spend the rest of our life with.  Actually, it usually does work that way later but when it happens, it is hard to feel good about it.  Besides whatever you say to make yourself feel better right after this huge disappointment occurs is only to make yourself feel better.  And what's wrong with that anyway?  It will all work out. 

Does trust have to be earned?  Can you only feel trust when experience tells you it is well placed?  Or can you choose to trust and hope for the best.  And if you do it that way, is it really trust because it hasn't yet been earned?  In either method, it is really disappointing when trust is betrayed.  And you have to work so hard to trust again, to risk another disappointment. 

I am really disappointed (in advance) that today it will be 112 degrees outside but I trust that it could still be a really good day (just like something bad could happen on a beautiful sunny day of 72 degrees).  Mostly I will choose to trust that I will be aware of the simplest parts of this day.  What 112 humid degrees feels like, how lucky I am to be able to hang out in an air conditioned home, that my team might actually win tonight (although I will be disappointed if they don't), how fun it will be to watch the game and hope and hope, and that today may be the day I meditate to nirvana.  In the meantime, I am perfectly happy to hang out with my feelings of universal peace and happiness, courtesy of my beloved right brain. 

GR