Secrets



May 14th, 2008  a Wednesday

Everyone has at least one secret, and probably lots, lots more.  It depends on if you count things like regifting.  Or if you only count bigger things such as you have been driving the company car all this time without a driver's license.  And then there are surprise parties, harmless secrets actually meant to be really nice.  And remember how school kids use secrets against other kids.  There is always that image of the prettiest girl in school whispering to her almost as pretty girlfriend with a big smile on her face, knowing that by controlling the secret information, she is controlling everything and everyone.  Who knows, she may actually be saying blah, blah, blah.  Just the appearance of sharing something she knows that no one else knows unless she tells can be very empowering.  But I don't want this to turn into a gender thing.  Boys handle secrets differently than girls.  They are less likely to tell.  Yes, girls will eventually tell.  But maybe not everything. 

As you know, I'm a believer.  And I believe that it is best to tell.  But that can be really, really, really hard.  (Did I say how hard that can really be?)  Some people, like the Dutchman for example, would argue (and he is a brilliant arguer and not just because he went to law school) that you don't have to tell all your secrets.  It's just not necessary.  I'll bet he keeps 100 a day himself!  Well, maybe not a hundred.  But a few.  He's not a teller.  If you ask him why he is so grouchy, he just says he had a bad day at work (sometimes he uses words I am not allowed to use in my blog) and then adds that he doesn't want to talk about it.  Are those things that happened to him secrets because they happened and he won't tell about them?  Or is it just a personality trait that he doesn't like to share.  I guess it depends on your defintion of secret.  I like "concealment on any grounds for any motive" for purposes of this paragraph.   But to be honest, the more generic definition is "something kept from knowledge of others".   The concealment definition makes it sound like he is aggressively choosing not to tell and he can do that for any reason that suits him.  Something kept from the knowledge of others makes it sound more like a God given right to choose not to tell, one that would be a sign of personal disrespect not to honor (he would definitely like this one better but he really wouldn't care because he is still not going to tell his secrets no matter how well I write this paragraph).  If I don't disclose that I looked for a definition that suited my position until I found one, is that a secret or just making a good argument?  Maybe I should have been a lawyer.  (Only in a David Kelly legal show set in Boston could a bear be a lawyer.) 

I know this Vietnam vet who was very sad and physically broken from his war experience more than 30 long years ago.  He used a walker, was very slow getting around, and was quiet, withdrawn and down in the dumps.  He had big, brown eyes and more often than not, tears came down his cheeks for no particular reason.  Like those tears came from the hurt place inside with no warning.  One night, in a room full of people he had come to trust, he took a chance and told his secret.  He cried and cried while he described a terrible, terrible thing that happened to him on a battlefield when he was only 19 years old.  He said he had never told anyone before.  And that he had not had a moment's peace since it happened.  Everyone hugged him after and told him how much they cared for him.  About a month later, he was wearing bright clothing, walking with a spring in his step, and smiling from ear to ear.  The only time a tear came down his cheek was when he spoke of his amazing recovery, both physically and emotionally.  He was healed, he said, by telling.  Relieving himself of the terrible burden of his awful secret. 

Do you know there is a site on the internet where people send a postcard with their secret on it?  And it has won awards and everything.  In fact, the card at the top came from that site.  Seems kind of an impersonal way to work through things, I know.  But maybe it is an easier first step to tell the world anonymously than to tell someone close to you.  And I am sure it is better to tell someone, anyone, than to keep it inside where it can do so much harm.

For a really long time, my very existence was a secret.  I don't need to explain to you why a bear like me could be an embarassment for a family like mine.  It took a lot of courage for me to out myself, and for Mreesha to help me.  But we were tired of keeping the secret.  Everyone knows that only kids have bears and most of them don't talk or have opinions or even make it through childhood.  They are discarded and forgotten about.  (Except that some really nice moms keep the bears in the family home to remind themselves of that innocent time.)  Since I have actually been my own biggest secret, I am feeling pretty liberated right now.  And here I am writing about secrets on my blog.  Just imagine what might happen to the Dutchman if he decided to tell.  One secret at a time.

GR